If you have to ask, you’re not ready for the answer
In the early 90’s I often rode my bike through a nondescript suburb of San Diego County. The journey included a tiny piece of La Mesa’s landscape that stood out among the green lawns and modest homes; a bumper sticker declaring, “Guns Now More Than Ever.”
I watched this message cycle by at 20 mph, and laughed every time it caught my glance. Marveling at the moxie of such a bizarre statement, I almost felt sorry for this lonely idea. Calling desperately for the embrace of its fuzzy, provocative premise, the little idea thoughtlessly assumed a large audience would feel no need for questions.
Guns don’t point at rational appeal
Perhaps the very attempt to decipher this cryptic calling precludes any deductive grasp of its intuition. If you seek a logical explanation for “Guns Now More Than Ever,” then you’re bound to miss purpose in its passion.
Like your sophisticated political views?
After all, any true believer knows better than to ask why God allows countless massacres. Common sense inquiries touching on atrocity reveal wimpy resolve, dooming tests of faith to failure for dry-humping the foul temptress of Reason.
Besides, blind faith will not prejudice the M16 over the AR-15, or show deference to the AK before the M1A, for all assault rifles stand equal in the eyes of God. Hallowed be thy name and hollowed be thy round.
Military assault rifles dehumanize good old fashioned murder
WWI changed the face of war through innovations in weapons technology. Tanks, submarines, mustard gas, grenades and automatic rifles joined forces in our very first War to End All War, championing wholesale death at a distance.
Let’s celebrate life in the cross hairs.
Machine magic took the fuss out of genocide to carpet whole countrysides in the stench and miasma of rotting flesh. Soldiers slogged through scabby earth that oozed in a nightmare theater where waddling rats claimed victory.
Today, military grade assault rifles continue this inventive celebration of life in the crosshairs through pinpoint accuracy, super light composite frames, semi-automatic chambering, massive ammo clips, specialized rounds, and convenient modification to automatic fire.
While these weapons are a hit in any American warzone, they’ve begun to take a terrible toll on our civilian morale.
Murder deserves a name, a face, and a grudge
We must return to simpler times when homicide promised a very personal experience. We needed a plan, preferably inspired by righteous vendetta born of rape, physical abuse, perceived slight, or haste to enforce Omertà.
We took care in choosing the time, the place, that perfect rock, an unbreakable garrote, a hefty club or balanced sword. We hated our prey, or at least held their heartbeats as obstacles to selfish goals. And our twisted truth makes sense of mournful death when killers make personal calls for payback.
We watched the eyes of our victims grow blank, sometimes in visceral satisfaction, other times with remorse and emptied bowels. And once in a great while, we even dispatched a bastard who bloody well deserved his execution. Naturally, we took care to hide our crimes.
Wasting life should never waste its meaning
Traditional killers bring panache to your departure.
We relish the sweet taste of revenge, whose savor turns from cold to bitter when served inside bars or gas chambers. Even sociopaths, who enjoy killing as a way of life, value their own mortality through commitment to outlast enemies and innocents alike, one body at a time.
Successful slayers treat assassinations like any procedural issue, and work tirelessly to wipe away gore and fingerprints, cut up corpses, and establish an alibi. No self-respecting predator would press muzzle to temple and splatter grey matter just to escape crime scene drudgery, or to avoid imaginative tales of his whereabouts. Only sissies and crazy people drop the hammer on that kind of nonsense.
Military grade assault rifles have transformed group slaughter into a carefree point-and-click process, guaranteeing double-digit send offs, igniting white-hot news trends that bleed and lead throughout our 24 hour cycle. Sure, we nest in a modern democracy, but mass murder has never seemed easier or cheaper outside of Syria.
Gun Control Atheists refuse to believe in the existence of compromise
Yes, the absence of guns remains the root cause of gun violence.
The Washington Post reckons the overall number of bangers in the U.S. at about 270 million, while other guesstimates climb as high as 350 million and beyond. Statistically speaking, we’ve got a gun for just about everyone.
Of course in the absence of assault rifles, an enterprising psychopath can always equip his rampage through our traditional arsenal of privately owned and perfectly legal lead launchers sanctioned by our Second Amendment:
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
We have gobs of grease guns, piles of pistols, and roomfuls of rifles to choose from. And double-digit headcounts won’t come as quickly to killers who have to pull the lever on a Winchester, steady a hand with revolvers, or rack and reload their 12 gauge pump-action problem solver.
Resurrecting the ban on military assault rifles won’t bring back the dead, but it could save lives by making wholesale butchery a pesky, time consuming chore.
Relax; America will always be #1 with guns
Our history, economy and culture have honored ventilators for centuries, beginning with the arrival of European settlers, muskets and mayhem. British soldiers and pilgrims joined forces with Mohegan and Narragansett allies to terminate pro-Dutch members of the Pequot Nation opposed to Puritan expansion. New England’s first major regional squabble became known as the Pequot War of 1637.
Later, the English issued a range of arms to American provincials, including British Long Land muskets, carbines, civilian rifles, and fowlers to kill the French and their savage allies during the French and Indian War (1754–1763), in constant battle for colonial domination of North America.
Patriots favored Long Land muskets to ambush Loyalists with single and grape-shot volleys during the American Revolutionary War (1775–1783). Indian Nations looked to civilized weapons for homeland security East of the Mississippi during the American Indian Wars (1775–1842), killing Anglo-American invaders who squatted beyond the borders of their newly proclaimed United States.
Brits allied with American Indian Nations, issuing Brown Bess Flintlocks to repel Yankee aggressors during the War of 1812. Most Patriots know nothing about Her Majesty’s disastrous bid to confine American land ownership to cemetery plots, as Anglo insurgents encroached on vast Indian realms rightfully stolen by British Commonwealth. Free from contest with England for lands belonging to Indian Nations East of the Mississippi River, pioneers and the federal government then set their sights on new Indian Wars West of the Mississippi (1811–1924) to clear the way for Manifest Destiny and the Wild West.
America rules the world in guns per capita.
Mexicans wielded pistolas to kill Gringos in the 1840’s following the annexation of a backwoods bramble called Texas. Mexican patriots depended on the .753 caliber British Brown Bess or Tower-type musket, purchased used and on the cheap from England, to field a worn out standard weapon. I’d like to offer a special shout out to the Mexican–American War for New Mexico, and especially for Alta California. After 165 years I still feel like a winner!
Civil War exploded in the 1860’s. Johnny Reb, Billy Yank, and all their kin took aim at anybody fool enough to don the blue or grey. Colt, Smith & Wesson, Gatling, and Winchester have since taken up residence in our popular vocabulary and homes.
Guns don’t kill if you can’t get to them in time.
Lethal relics stand proud and polished as museum pieces. Meanwhile, newer descendents fill private collections, nap under pillows, and hide under beds. Their safeties may be on, but their chambers stay loaded for bear. And why not? Bad guys don’t come knocking for polite conversation to borrow a cup of patience.
If you have shaky fingers, and the time to unlock a safe, remove a trigger guard, and slip in a clip, then you have time for a beating, or worse. Guns don’t kill… when you can’t get to them in time. Take this truth on faith or take it on the chin.
These same manufacturers, who supplied sidearms and rifles to the War of Northern Aggression, have thrived selling wares to our unified South. On the brighter side, thanks to this fracas that began with Harper’s Ferry, Daniel Day-Lewis will become the 1st to win a 3rd Oscar for Best Actor through his role in “Lincoln.”
Looking out for #1
Maybe it’s time to loosen our grip on so many cold, dead hands.
Enough retrospective. We all agree that arms inhabit America’s origins, constitution and soul. The United States began its difficult birth of a nation with more rifles and sidearms than cold dead hands to grip them.
And we’ve never looked back. Gats find guts and glory in bygone times, and constant rebirth in our movies, books, liquor stores, drive-bys, target ranges and shootouts. Guns and the damage they do are here to stay. Author, Phillip J. Cook, sums up our love/hate friendship with firearms through a quote from his landmark study on crime and public policy, Gun Violence: The Real Cost:
The United States has the highest rate of gun related injuries (not deaths per capita) among developed countries, though it also has the highest rate of gun ownership and the highest rate of officers.
Endless studies offer various chart-topping stats where the U.S. reigns as the world leader or second banana in gun violence, gun crime, gun accidents, and gun death. Gun-control and gun-rights policy advocates devoutly trade salvos over remedies for these rising numbers.
Hippies, peaceniks, gun-control Commies, and parents of 1st graders will press for new legislation to enforce stricter regulation of guns, their owners, and the Smiths that make them.
Equally, lovers of freedom, Constitutional straight shooters, dead burglars, and gun-rights militia maniacs will praise education and safety as the honest path to protect families, and our god-given, federally recognized right to peashooters.
When guns are left to Rednecks, only Rednecks will gun down Leftists
Verily, the straight and narrow path must needs deliver 2400 fps of stopping power.
Don’t ask. It’s my best shot at covering gun-policy dogma under a bumper sticker. Take the phrase as double plus truth that bumper stickers press buttons, not intellects.
Frankly, as a godless tree-hugging Liberal with ties to childhood in Slidell, Louisiana, Jesus, and a Smith & Wesson Model 19 .357 smoke wagon, I hope to have insulted anyone who can read. Of course, the Bubbas crawling through my familial swamp may target such a sticker as a challenge, or at least a compliment.
Rifles, pocket warmers and violence go together like Glocks and Hydra-Shocks. Should we blame guns for this aggressive relationship?
As tools for hunting and protection, boom sticks have no power to inflict harm until somebody snaps their lock, yanks their trigger cocked, and gets ready to rock.
Or, should we simply find fault with humans who turn guns into dupes, forcing hole punchers to become accessories to crime and destruction?
Maybe we should stop making heaters the butt of all blame for gun violence. Once we grasp equalizers as the injured party, we dare not exile these innocent victims, coerced into a brutal pattern of villainy caused by reckless mortals.
Peacemakers mindlessly work to reduce the human side of the gun controversy by culling the number of people who will ever enjoy access to persuaders. Unfortunately cutting down our population through homicide defies direct correlation with reductions in gun violence—probably because guns don’t die while people do.
America’s codependent romance with street sweepers has reached overkill
Hey, it’s just for deer, home security and 1st graders.
We actually can lessen our danger in front of choppers if we loosen the grip of those who stand behind them. Seriously, bringing back the national ban on military grade assault rifles ain’t gonna kills us.
Do we really need spray and pray banana clips to drop a deer? Are we crazy for setting speed traps to catch unstable kooks who could be plotting to go out with a bang of body bags?
Sane, god fearing folks have nothing to fret from universal background checks save their own impatience. And you can bet babies to bullets that crusaders for “no control” will take refuge in cliché to rebuke the slippery slope while ignoring our sticky floors.
CNN Conservative correspondent, Erick Erickson (1/15/2013): You may think a 30-round magazine is too big. Under the real purpose of the Second Amendment, a 30-round magazine might be too small.
Boosters for no control may confront a rude awakening as states demonstrate sovereign latitude to interpret and legislate our Second Amendment. On January 15th, the State of New York enacted our country’s toughest gun control laws yet, banning military assault rifles while mandating background checks for the purchase of ammo.
On January 16th, President Obama signed 23 executive actions proposing stronger federal gun control. Ever since, the NRA and gun-rights advocates have screamed bloody murder, much to the chagrin of mourners who’ve been doing the same thing since December 14th at Sandy Hook Elementary.
Blessed is the Bushmaster .223 caliber M4 carbine
On January 19th, in response to so much gun safety madness, a Republican consulting firm spearheaded the national public relations counterpunch known as Gun Appreciation Day. Lovers of bullets and justice were encouraged to visit many impromptu shows dotting the country, organized to commemorate this special day. While defending our freedom to bare arms, five patriotic enthusiasts–let’s call them victims– sustained gun shot wounds at three separate gun shows.
Blind faith and reckless PR campaigns inspire national support for stronger federal restrictions.
When questioned about this event coinciding with our celebration of civil rights icon Martin Luther King, Jr, Larry Ward, chairman of Gun Appreciation Day, fired back with double-barreled wisdom:
WARD: I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African-Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country’s founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history.
Who would dare deny the compelling genius of this simple logic? With each new tragedy, no-control advocates fervently bear witness that violence could have been averted.
They insist we eliminate innocent victims by guarding them with guns, by issuing our populace permits to carry concealed weapons, and by hiring teachers and faculty to tote guns. This same logic suggests we strap up older students with 9mm stopping power.
Clearly, no waiting period, fast reflexes, and quick access to sidearms will solve most of our culture’s gun violence bugaboo. We will draw down gun violence only when citizens refuse to reach for the sky, then reach for their heaters, ending terror in the split second they start shooting back.
We need to stop criminalizing guns just because they fall in with bad company. They promise to protect us all next time. Honest. Guns never mean to hurt anybody on purpose. Baby, they’re just made that way. Hmm, Guns Now More Than Ever. Sure, it all makes sense now.
Jay F. Nelson 
These 5 Ancient Monsters Couldn’t Survive Climate Change, So How Can We?
One day we become a feast for worms then a snack for moles. Souls may soar to promised lands but flesh finds destiny in the dirt. Throughout Earth’s history geologists record 5 mass extinctions, destroying half or more of all existing species. Oh sure, everybody prattles on about the Cretaceous–Paleogene obliteration 65 million years ago. Most witlings know a humongous asteroid blasted the Yucatan Peninsula, laying waste to 75% of all living species and massacring the mighty thunder lizard. Still, clavens score props at pubs clarifying that the Permian mass extinction did far greater damage.
The Great Dying loomed around 284 million years ago when geologic catastrophes spanning 2 million years tormented terra firma and shriveled seas across super-continent Pangea. 96% of all animal classifications went extinct. On the positive side, life on Earth has evolved from that surviving 4% of species. Humans balking at genetic cousins hanging with primordial apes can shake Homo sapiens’ family tree to dislodge shared ancestors rooting from pelycosaurs. This swamp-dwelling class of reptilian quadrupeds survived Permian extinction to birth therapsid descendants that eventually emerged as early mammals.
Primates rule! And we have the bipedal locomotion, opposable thumbs and brainpan to prove it. We own this planet — at least until overpopulation, rampant agriculture, poisonous pollution, Soylent Green shortages, and global warming blaze towards our impending expiration date. For now, let’s ditch the apocalyptic buzzkill with a smug look backward at some other mind-blowing beasts that failed to adapt to climate change.
1. Gigantopithecus:
Weighing in at a whopping 1,000 pounds, the Gigantopithecus flourished for 6 million years to settle among tropical forests of Southeast Asia as the biggest primate that ever lived. This gigantic simian towered up to 10 feet in height, had the mass of 3 to 4 modern gorillas, and bulked up through a steady diet of bamboo and some seasonal fruits. The big ape ruled the trees till 100,000 years ago, when climate changes wiped out their food supplies, although some scientists make a case for overhunting by early humans.
2. Arthropleura armata:
Arthropleura armata, or giant centipedes, grew up to 10 feet in length and hold title as Earth’s largest land invertebrate. 30 pairs of legs propelled 30 armored plates very quickly around trees and over logs. A biosphere rich in oxygen with few predators allowed this bug to bulge. Fossil records show they died out about 300 million years ago when the Permian period dropped oxygen levels and wilted tropical habitats into deserts.
3. Entelodont:
Entelodonts or “Terminator Pigs” terrorized forests and plains throughout North America, Europe, and Asia as ferocious omnivores. Their reign as major predators across American badlands lasted more than 20 million years. Entelodonts devoured fresh kills, carrion, plants, and tubers. These mini-bulldozers weighed 900 pounds, had shoulders like a bison, and used powerful jaws to sever prey. When global cooling transformed tropical forests to open grasslands, these Hell Pigs failed to adapt longer legs to catch faster savannah herbivores, and eventually starved to death 5 million years ago.
4. Brontosaurus:
The Brontosaurus vanished from textbooks over the last three decades because this beastie never actually existed. In 1879, fame-hungry Yale paleontologist, O.C. Marsh, carelessly misidentified fossil evidence of a juvenile Apatosaurus skull as a new species. He coined the creature “Brontosaurus,” then matched this head bone to the skeleton of an adult Apatosaurus. Books, movies, and cartoons featured bonehead Brontos munching Jurassic vegetation until the 1970s, when scientists conclusively identified the young Apatosaurus skull atop the ossified frame of its adult counterpart. The Brontosaurus spawned from Marsh’s ambition to win the “bone wars,” but finally died of exposure to cold scientific scrutiny.
5. Neanderthals:
Neanderthals spread through Europe around 300,000 B.C., survived several ice ages, and disappeared about 10,000 years ago. An Oxford University study recently proposed that Neanderthal extinction resulted from larger eyes essential to spotting prey over long distances at higher latitudes. With vision as a priority, cerebral structures adapted for sight and motor skills to the neglect of complex thinking that would have allowed invention of warmer clothes, better tools, and stronger social groups.
Another study cites anthropological evidence that modern humans butchered Neanderthals for dinner, and probably wore their teeth as necklaces. Neanderthal knuckleheads had plenty of brawn, but lacked the cognitive power to take on organized cannibals or adjust to warmer climes that demanded innovative hunting techniques.
Enjoy our limited engagement. Savor a steak. Grab a beer. Check out some nature. Humans are blazing trails in a mad rush for Earth’s 6th mass extinction, exhausting forests and fisheries while poisoning air, soil, and water. Greenhouse gasses strip ozone, launch dangerous weather patterns, and drive global climate change into impending planetary desertification. Our species doesn’t breed the collective will to reverse worldwide destruction, let alone overpopulation.
Of course I’d prefer a Star Trek destiny where U.S.S. Enterprise champions galactic detente with strange species. I’d chillax with Kirk and crew, exploring Class M planets rich in sweet air, lush fauna and room to roam. Oh well, we don’t call it science fiction for nothin’. Tragically, our next century will fester on a far more perilous and ugly orb. When it comes to perpetuating our own kind, Earthlings haven’t got a snowball’s chance in Yucatan.
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