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These 5 Ancient Monsters Couldn’t Survive Climate Change, So How Can We?

these, 5, ancient, monsters, couldnt, survive, climate, change,, so, how, can, we,

One day we become a feast for worms then a snack for moles. Souls may soar to promised lands but flesh finds destiny in the dirt. Throughout Earth’s history geologists record 5 mass extinctions, destroying half or more of all existing species. Oh sure, everybody prattles on about the Cretaceous–Paleogene obliteration 65 million years ago. Most witlings know a humongous asteroid blasted the Yucatan Peninsula, laying waste to 75% of all living species and massacring the mighty thunder lizard. Still, clavens score props at pubs clarifying that the Permian mass extinction did far greater damage.

The Great Dying loomed around 284 million years ago when geologic catastrophes spanning 2 million years tormented terra firma and shriveled seas across super-continent Pangea. 96% of all animal classifications went extinct. On the positive side, life on Earth has evolved from that surviving 4% of species. Humans balking at genetic cousins hanging with primordial apes can shake Homo sapiens’ family tree to dislodge shared ancestors rooting from pelycosaurs. This swamp-dwelling class of reptilian quadrupeds survived Permian extinction to birth therapsid descendants that eventually emerged as early mammals.

Primates rule! And we have the bipedal locomotion, opposable thumbs and brainpan to prove it. We own this planet at least until overpopulation, rampant agriculture, poisonous pollution, Soylent Green shortages, and global warming blaze towards our impending expiration date. For now, let’s ditch the apocalyptic buzzkill with a smug look backward at some other mind-blowing beasts that failed to adapt to climate change.

1. Gigantopithecus:

Weighing in at a whopping 1,000 pounds, the Gigantopithecus flourished for 6 million years to settle among tropical forests of Southeast Asia as the biggest primate that ever lived. This gigantic simian towered up to 10 feet in height, had the mass of 3 to 4 modern gorillas, and bulked up through a steady diet of bamboo and some seasonal fruits. The big ape ruled the trees till 100,000 years ago, when climate changes wiped out their food supplies, although some scientists make a case for overhunting by early humans.

2. Arthropleura armata:

Arthropleura armata, or giant centipedes, grew up to 10 feet in length and hold title as Earth’s largest land invertebrate. 30 pairs of legs propelled 30 armored plates very quickly around trees and over logs. A biosphere rich in oxygen with few predators allowed this bug to bulge. Fossil records show they died out about 300 million years ago when the Permian period dropped oxygen levels and wilted tropical habitats into deserts.

3. Entelodont:

Entelodonts or “Terminator Pigs” terrorized forests and plains throughout North America, Europe, and Asia as ferocious omnivores. Their reign as major predators across American badlands lasted more than 20 million years. Entelodonts devoured fresh kills, carrion, plants, and tubers. These mini-bulldozers weighed 900 pounds, had shoulders like a bison, and used powerful jaws to sever prey. When global cooling transformed tropical forests to open grasslands, these Hell Pigs failed to adapt longer legs to catch faster savannah herbivores, and eventually starved to death 5 million years ago.

4. Brontosaurus:

The Brontosaurus vanished from textbooks over the last three decades because this beastie never actually existed. In 1879, fame-hungry Yale paleontologist, O.C. Marsh, carelessly misidentified fossil evidence of a juvenile Apatosaurus skull as a new species. He coined the creature “Brontosaurus,” then matched this head bone to the skeleton of an adult Apatosaurus. Books, movies, and cartoons featured bonehead Brontos munching Jurassic vegetation until the 1970s, when scientists conclusively identified the young Apatosaurus skull atop the ossified frame of its adult counterpart. The Brontosaurus spawned from Marsh’s ambition to win the “bone wars,” but finally died of exposure to cold scientific scrutiny.

5. Neanderthals:

Neanderthals spread through Europe around 300,000 B.C., survived several ice ages, and disappeared about 10,000 years ago. An Oxford University study recently proposed that Neanderthal extinction resulted from larger eyes essential to spotting prey over long distances at higher latitudes. With vision as a priority, cerebral structures adapted for sight and motor skills to the neglect of complex thinking that would have allowed invention of warmer clothes, better tools, and stronger social groups.

Another study cites anthropological evidence that modern humans butchered Neanderthals for dinner, and probably wore their teeth as necklaces. Neanderthal knuckleheads had plenty of brawn, but lacked the cognitive power to take on organized cannibals or adjust to warmer climes that demanded innovative hunting techniques.

Enjoy our limited engagement. Savor a steak. Grab a beer. Check out some nature. Humans are blazing trails in a mad rush for Earth’s 6th mass extinction, exhausting forests and fisheries while poisoning air, soil, and water. Greenhouse gasses strip ozone, launch dangerous weather patterns, and drive global climate change into impending planetary desertification. Our species doesn’t breed the collective will to reverse worldwide destruction, let alone overpopulation.

Of course I’d prefer a Star Trek destiny where U.S.S. Enterprise champions galactic detente with strange species. I’d chillax with Kirk and crew, exploring Class M planets rich in sweet air, lush fauna and room to roam. Oh well, we don’t call it science fiction for nothin’. Tragically, our next century will fester on a far more perilous and ugly orb. When it comes to perpetuating our own kind, Earthlings haven’t got a snowball’s chance in Yucatan.

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Video Games Are Good For Grandpa

video, games, are, good, for, grandpa,

Who doesn’t harbor negative stereotypes for vidiots who prefer gaming to human contact? Bloodless slobs shun sunlight, competition against alpha males, and sniffy dismissal from dominant females. On Friday nights, eggheads jack in to PCs and consoles to gun down Nazis, vaporize Hellspawn, or snuggle up to Laura Croft. Pathetically, nerdy journeys to strange new worlds often climax with an empty bag of Doritos or autoerotic shame, fighting droopy eyelids, hypnotized by turbocharged overtones from Robot Unicorn Attack.

We pity the fools who fit this broken mold, but we’re running out of places where this stereotype actually sticks. Nowadays video games attract a wide demographic who burn at least an hour every week at fun and games across multiple platforms, including PCs, Wiis, Kinects, tablets, pads, PSPs, and smartphones. The Entertainment Software Association‘s 2012 report indicates that gamers aged 36 years and older make up 37% of all digital adventurers. Gamers between 18 and 35 comprise another 31%, while video junkies under 18 make up the remaining 32% of all video players.

“In fact, women aged 30 and older now represent a significantly larger portion of the total population of U.S. gamers than boys 17 and younger.” Of course violent video games earn bad marks for scarring young minds. However, their kinder cousins, exergames, continually win positive press as physical and mental motivators that benefit the elderly. Video games now occupy our culture as welcome distractions that boost the cognitive and kinetic health of seniors.

Moms and dads of the late 70’s probably preferred to watch “Happy Days” or to read their copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) before grabbing hold of anything with a joystick. Anyone recalling Atari Pong long before beer pong deserves forgiveness for not taking to Super Mario Bros. like ants on candy.

These same analog folk now inhabit retirement communities, and avoid pushing daisies by pushing limits on motion games through Nintendo’s Wii or Xbox’s Kinect Sports. Simulated skiing, soccer, golf, and especially digital bowling teams, have taken over nursing homes.

Exergames have become the fastest-growing and most popular activity at senior centers, goosing grannies and grandpas to form leagues, throw rocks and blast pins in organized tournaments. Even without the beef to roll a 15 pounder, interactive bowling teams build social well-being, while maintaining brain and brawn by slowing loss of memory and muscle function.

Clunky consoles of yesteryear glorified daunting controllers, whose empty promise of instant gratification came to pass only after countless hours mashing toggles, buttons and pads. Sony’s DualShock controller demanded fast reflexes over twin analog thumbsticks and a dozen buttons before a gamer might rip the 2-D spinal cord from a vanquished street fighter.

In contrast, controllers for modern motion games create intuitive interface through infrared sensors that track arms and legs, freeing players to react instinctively with 3-dimensional landscapes. Obviously, interactive games win kudos for jump-starting hustle. Meanwhile studies also link video games sparking physical activity with numerous psychological benefits. Old folks drag baggage and rust into golden years and frequently battle regrets that may spiral into clinical depression and inactivity.

Elderly participants in a Wii study who gamed with an undergrad for one hour per week, reported decreased loneliness, and improved moods, while feeling more connected to others. Seniors who outgrow stamina for sports like tennis, golf, or bowling may return vicariously to favorite activities through exergames, reliving the very real positive vibes associated with rousing recreation of younger days.

Another study conducted through UC San Diego School of Medicine subjected seniors to 3 sessions of Wii-hab every week through exergames that lasted 35 minutes. Conclusions cited better physical health, and increased cognitive stimulation marked by reductions in depressive symptoms exceeding 50% or better.

When we rest we rust. Grandpas and grandmas, who opt for autopilot on a La-Z-Boy, quickly coast downhill to rest in peace. Depression, loneliness, and dementia, line up for a laundry list of medical ailments, which readily crumble elderly whose get-up-and-go got up and split during do-nothing golden years. Folks who face retirement on their feet stand a fighting chance of slowing ailments that afflict mind and body as life’s winter approaches. Science can’t cure old age, but it can prove that physical fun and games contribute to happier, healthier retirement.

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Conclave 2013 Should Take a Page From ‘Survivor’ to Choose the Next Pope

Survivor Vanuatu

Conclave 2013 Should Take a Page From Survivor to Choose the Next Pope

Conclave 2013 will consist of 117 Cardinals, mostly septuagenarians, who will elect Pope Benedict XVI’s successor through secret ballot and a two-thirds majority. Only five voters within this ecclesiastical Electoral College look forward to a 60th birthday.

Regrettably, the new but old leader of the Catholic Church may soon again wither under the crush and pace bedeviling a papal jet-setter.

Every cassock casting lots within the conclave has accepted ordination from Benedict XVI, or his predecessor, John Paul II. The next Bishop of Rome will certainly cling to the conventional Catholic wisdom which paved his steps to clerical acclaim. Sheep and laity beseeching reform for reproductive rights, the LGBT community, or female priesthood haven’t got a prayer.

Still, a fresh legate with stale ideas may corral the wandering among a flock of 1.2 billion by achieving office through contemporary rituals that lionize charisma and vitality. Broadcast brush fires already obsess over every microscopic manifestation of the papal picking process. Sparkling spin on dull pomp would champion a dynamic and beloved Catholic chief. Conclave 2013 should institute Survivor-style methods that successfully select and promote a popular, enduring pope.

Survivor Pope Island: Let God sort ‘em out

Modern papacy demands stamina, world-class personality and diplomatic finesse. The competition to enthrone hallowed virtues begins at a small monastery on Vatican grounds. Pope Island tests each cardinal’s wisdom to form and sever alliances (holy covenants) while closing in on the finale. Reward challenges uncover each winner’s capacity to mete out charity, while calculating compassion as a means for securing faith and future favors.

Nobody starves on this diet.

Nobody starves on this diet.

Elimination challenges quickly cast out cardinals who don’t pack the pontifex maximus to exact dominion over obstacle courses, puzzles or scripture chases. Unlike reality TV, popefuls in their 50’s outlive early elimination votes, earning constant reward and immunity as low-mileage rivals who command winning streaks and regular heartbeats.

Competitions mercifully include a Communion wafer-eating match up to measure mortal capacity for consecration, while also leavening starvation.

Meanwhile a baby-blessing challenge separates Vaticans from Vaticants when anxious clerics captain Fiats through prayer and peril, navigating bumpy byways of Rome to perform multiple christenings.

As momentum races to crowning glory, agnostic and zealot crowd water coolers, taking bets on the dwindling court of anointed fave raves with a shot at winning the translation showdown. Potential potentates must choose a song from Billboard’s top 10 Christian hits.

Original costume designs for papal sing-off were rejected as too bland.

Original costume designs for papal sing-off were rejected as too bland.

Performers then croak milk-and-honey melody with Latin lyrics before adoring audiences, drawing authority and buzz from dead language and star-power stagecraft. Although originally considered, songs by Pink, Lady Gaga, and Madonna fail scrutiny under strict moral standards.

During global simulcasts, digital devotees cast Catholic ballots on Twitter, inspiring contenders through social media bliss for cardinal powers that magnetize masses.

Pick-a-pope phone apps offer personalized participation with front-runners by uniting worshipers in the cloud to fret over medical updates, polls, standings and life expectancy.

Despite global groundswell at the big reveal for a vital and charismatic pope, followers understand that the Holy Ghost ultimately chooses the champ, and may not side with the popular vote. Anyone still waiting to see Mark McGwire or Pete Rose elected to the MLB Hall of Fame knows exactly how that feels.

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How Caffeine Can Kill Productivity

How Caffeine Can Kill Productivity

How Caffeine Can Kill Productivity

Caffeine vexes our modern rat race. Workaday slobs and power brokers can’t face their day without it. Triple-shot espressos replace two-martini lunches as we press the lever incessantly for more caffeine. Fellow rodents scramble for position atop the heap in a shrinking cage, instinctively craving solutions that amp our ability to compete. A Washington state man is reportedly fond of the 40-shot espresso, the most expensive drink Starbucks offers, as it gets him through the day. This is what we’ve come to.

While caffeine rules as the world’s favorite stimulant, its edgy zing drains life force and kills productivity. For moderate to heavy users, withdrawal symptoms begin about 12 hours after going cold turkey, when strung-out sufferers curse their thirst for bitter crystalline alkaloid. Headaches, decreased energy, with loss of alertness and well-being, turn the screws on energy addicts who ail for a healthy diet.

Coffee achievers get positive reinforcement from 150 mg of chemical reward in an 8-oz cup to jumpstart initiative, while energy-drinkers are conditioned to guzzle 160 mg inside 16 ounces of canned Monster to recharge low-voltage output. Despite its rep as a cure-all for brain barnacles and moored butts, caffeine stands in the same lineup next to cocaine and amphetamines with rap sheets as analeptics, or drugs that stimulate the central nervous system.

The Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders estimates that 9%–30% of caffeine consumers in America demonstrate substance dependency. The Encyclopedia explains two disorders that characterize chronic jitter junkies.

English: Main symptoms of Caffeine overdose (S...Caffeine intoxication describes a list of 12 unpleasant indicators afflicting heavy drinkers whoexperience a loss of social and occupational functioning. Score a 5 or better with ailments like insomnia, diarrhea, muscle twitching, and tachycardia to earn your medical diagnosis.

Caffeine-induced anxiety and sleep disorder distinguishes a class of symptoms which, in addition to caffeine intoxication, have grown so severe they demand separate clinical treatment. Anxiety may refer to a host of ills such as panic attacks, while sleep disorders could mark, among others, hypersomnia (inability to stay awake).

Granted, a taste of psychoactive stimulant (coffee bean, tea leaf, kola nut, cocoa bean) could prod performance. A single can or cup may sharpen focus, memory, and reaction time. But conventional wisdom raises red flags the moment we reach for a second drink.

Caffeine initiates excessive neuron firing in the brain, boosting the pituitary gland to pump out stress hormones, which then trigger the adrenal gland to spike the central nervous system with adrenaline.

Homo sapiens depended on adrenaline to hold at bay bear-size hyenas, or to charge headlong as a feral tribe of stinking cavemen, dipping spears in the red ink of 8-ton mastodons. Yet manly apes never needed caffeine to bring home the bacon, while modern humans sit at desks, harnessing synthetic “fight or flight” to overpower email and rush reports.

Invariably fight or flight’s stress response bottoms out, making us tired, hungry, and hell-bent for irritability, fatigue, headaches, and confusion. Caffeine juicing induces the type of biochemical teeter totter we endure in warzones. Even troglodytes had sense enough to take a nap after hauling home dripping shanks of woolly mammoth. Still we reach for another hit, believing that lattes and 5-hour Energy gas our flame for industry.

Early modern humans depended on adrenaline to bring home the bacon.

Early modern humans didn’t need caffeine to bring home the bacon.

Occasionally Starbucks sends a coupon for a free custom drink. Greedily I accept their challenge to formulate the costliest rocket-powered combustion their barista will deign to dump in a 20-ounce cup. At breakfast I launch my six-shot iced caramel flan macchiato. And despite two hours of grueling cardio, I spend the night orbiting the ceiling. The next morning caffeine’s siren song lures me back to rocky shores with the promise of immediate cure.

Treat caffeine like every other addictive drug. Recognize that tolerance and consumption feed on each other to stave off withdrawals. Swilling 6 drinks a day to avoid burn out, hounds stimulation down weakening psychoactive spirals to crash against acute adrenal fatigue.

If you’re constantly anxious, wiped out, subject to mood swings, sleepless nights or weekend hibernation, then you may be a jitter junkie. We all chug mugs to complete projects and meet deadlines, but we’ve bought a bad jones when every day feels like finals week.

The effect of caffeine on spider web construction

We don’t flee from saber-tooths or fight marauding Neanderthals, but we must plan productive days the caveman way, through balanced nutrition from whole foods. Break your fast with fruit, veggies, and vittles you hunt and gather outside of a package. Welcome morning menus with Chocolate Frosted Rocket Bombs, flushed down by Jolt Cola, like black plague at the castle gates.

Quick energy draws quick penalty, making us hunger and thirst for a corrupt cycle that murders productivity. Don’t join your company cult of toxic energy addicts, who taunt death from a chemical spill of lethal liquids. Try to forgive caffeine freaks with short tempers and shorter attention spans, who radiate pheromone signals of bile breath and whiffy pits only a gorilla could love. When beastly behavior doesn’t seem natural, you can probably blame it on their monkey.

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Kickstart: Mountain Dew Wants to Be a Part of Your Breakfast

Kickstart: Mountain Dew Wants to Be a Part of Your Breakfast

Kickstart: Mountain Dew Wants to Be a Part of Your Breakfast

For decades Mountain Dew has served as nectar of the geeks for its high-octane formula infused with sugar and caffeine, bestowing on spotty adolescents the courage to endure dangerous quests while gaming obsessively with World of Warcraft or Dungeons & Dragons. As a quick fix for failing focus, 16 ounces of Mountain Dew brings 72 milligrams of caffeinated vigilance to the wee hours, allowing students to cram for finals, compose schmaltzy love letters, or plot payback for teenage tormentors.

"Ya-Hoo! Mountain Dew. It'll tickle yore innards."

“Ya-Hoo! Mountain Dew. It’ll tickle yore innards.”

In a bid to break into the anxiety drink market, PepsiCo has produced its own mutant energy booster called Kickstart. Brand appeal targets thirsty consumers between 18 and 24 who ache for the Dew’s diabetic smoothness but with stronger tremors.

Kickstart courts those Millennials who reject coffee and tea as morning motivators. The carbonated beverage features trace elements of vitamins B and C, along with 92 milligrams of caffeine in a 5% juice solution. However, Kickstart will neither call its contents a soda nor confess its role as an energy drink.

Can Kickstart pack enough punch to take on Monsters and Rockstars?

PepsiCo offers its concoction as a hybrid alternative to Monster, Rockstar, Earl Grey, and coffee. However, Kickstart won’t attract young consumers who seek their buzz from organic squeezins, or parents who dread sleepless offspring.

Connoisseurs of classic Dew won’t drool for the acrid aftertaste endemic to most anxiety potions. Meanwhile, mavens of canned nectar will still crave the Dew’s sickly citrus tang and bubbly bursts that spark their rocket-powered sugar rush. Nutritional value never guides our choice of carbonated poison.

Besides, jitter junkies know the best energy drinks taste like battery acid and would send hamsters on a death ride to Nowheresville. We chug anxiety drinks for the spike in heart rate, temperature, and blood pressure, powered by 142 milligrams of caffeine in a 16-ounce can of Amp. We don’t expect flavor inside vacuum-sealed paranoia. We quaff the same size can of Mountain Dew for its syrupy savor and insulin surge fueled by a sissy 72 milligrams of caffeine.

Can Kickstart survive in spite of competitors and a culture that worships coffee?

cowboy_coffee

Cowboys, campfires and coffee ride posse in our caffeinated cultural heritage.

Cowboys drank rotgut popskull, Adam’s ale (water) from hoofprints, and tin cups of brown gargle betwixt cattle drives. Wranglers wouldn’t frump about blistering brew as long as it didn’t taste of belly wash and kicked like a mule. A 16-ounce mug of Arbuckle’s likely boasted a whopping 400 milligrams of caffeine, or more if made properly. Gourmet words like amaretto and mocha never had a chance to infect buckaroo lingo.

Seniors at my YMCA nod appreciation when I tilt the urn to drain bitter dregs and spout “The only thing worse than bad coffee is no coffee.” Long before the low-fat half-caf caramel macchiato soy latte, folks swilled Joe like meth in a mug, focusing on pump-thumping effect over flavor. Varnish remover still stands tall as a cultural rite of passage for teens who yearn to appear all grown up.

Baby Boomers at 55 and older represent America’s fastest growing segment to adopt caffeine addiction. Post-war bambinos of the 50s pine for java strong and bitter, like their partners, or sweet but bracing, like their internists.

Boomers may yet see competition for market share from about 80 million young’uns in their late teens to early thirties, who comprise the largest generation ever to draw breath in the Home of the Brave.

Coffee Achievers keep it natural.

Coffee Achievers keep it natural.

Generation Y grew up with technology. They buy customized morning thunder through cell phones, live on Wi-Fi and social media, and patronize coffee houses with lumpy furniture and green mission statements. They savor exotic teas and bean juice for flavor, aroma, and jolt in a welcome social setting.

Big chains like Starbucks, Caribou Coffee, and Tim Horton’s battle for the loyalty of locals with sophisticated campaigns, coupons, free drinks and music downloads. The Caffeinated-Industrial Complex is winning back energy lovers who’ve grown accustomed to scoring a buzz from an acid bath of synthetic compounds used to strip the rust off garbage scows.

Sorry Kickstart, you’re a limp-wristed brand of snake oil, helpless to impress post-adolescent immortals, who already swill lethal levels of Red Bull just to test resolve at conquering fear.

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3 Reasons Straight Folks Are Afraid Of Those Who Aren’t

Our irrational fears regarding alternate sexual preference come directly from family, friends, religion, work and school. Citizens who don’t question the sanity of normative social influence often display great difficulty at revamping negative labels socialized for the LGBT demographic.

Are you a Bene Gesserit?

Fear is the mind-killer!

Don’t expect science or logic to open a closed mind, or hope for compassion from a hardened heart. Prejudice and ignorance are made, not born.

In Frank Herbert’s bestseller, Dune, a priestess sect called the Bene Gesserit repeat a chant to harness extraordinary mental powers. Given our exploration of universally brainless beliefs during this age of enlightenment, a scifi about epic feuds for political and military domination of the universe makes perfect sense.

Let’s dissect a few of the screwball convictions feeding irrational fear of the gay community. But first, please take a deep breath, and then speak the following chant before we hop the short bus to Crazy Town:

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.”

1. Homosexuality is contagious

American culture continuously grows acceptance for sexuality as a complex form of human expression without short answers. We don’t care who Furries yiff in the privacy of their own campgrounds. We respect their hairy rights, as long as no mammals suffer in the process.

Furries are the nerds that nerds make fun of.

Furries are the nerds that nerds make fun of.

Meanwhile heterosexuals, who stand fast against sensual variety, resemble global warming refuseniks.

Their “Archie Bunker” ancestors of the 60’s and 70’s used to vilify environmentalism as a plot, hatched by Commie Pinko fags (look it up), hippies, and treehuggers to subvert our prosperous way of life.

Anti-alternative advocates should try this empirical test. The next time you meet a suspected gay or lesbian radical on the streets, make sure you reach out and touch that person’s skin.

Don’t worry; you won’t get AIDS unless you approach sans prophylactic and exchange blood or sexual fluids. Besides, nobody can “turn” you to play for a different team if you’re not already built for that option at the molecular level.

Anyway, in a day or two, if you don’t develop a powerful impulse to watch Project Runway, or build a canoe in your living room, then you should survive this encounter with only a few broken teeth.

2. Alternate gender preferences defy God’s law

New studies, aided by breakthroughs in genetics, advanced CAT scans, and MRI technology, continue to link neuroanatomical structures with specific gender attraction. These findings reveal strong correlations between innate sexual propensity and the physical blueprint of our cerebral hardwiring.

Neuroimaging techniques reveal microscopic structures.

Neuroimaging techniques reveal microscopic structures.

Scientific evidence refutes assertions by conservative religious groups, politicians, and parents desperately embracing sexuality as conscious choice which merits reward, punishment and regulation.

Sorry Mr. Leviticus, our sexual flavors come locked and loaded in our DNA. Or, from a metaphysical perspective, you can’t pray the gay away when God already made you that way.

Hell, even asking for divine intervention to make you bi, or a batter for breeders, questions God’s genetic wisdom, and smacks of blatant heresy.

For behold, true believers may yet lose faith for Intelligent Design, even when gender preference manifests unto them as a locatable region of genomic sequence, corresponding to a unit of inheritance.

I’d like to invite all godless heathens, blind to molecular mysticism, to meet me behind the industrial complex in the abandoned parking lot for your lunchtime stoning. Remember to bring a bag of medium sized rocks!

3. LGBT’ers won’t stop undressing me with their eyes

The Beautiful People cannot recommend you for our club.

The Beautiful People cannot recommend you for our club.

Well, in the case of homely Homo sapiens, we may chalk this up as hubris. On the other hand, the beautiful people (we know who we are) may have a legitimate gripe.

Zillions of times I’ve swiveled eyeballs in lustful languor, hugging the tight curves of female anatomy while pondering writhing geometric possibilities struggling for slippery communion. Whew! Is it hot up in here or what? Scuse me while I go freshen up the downtown.

Fortunately attraction and fantasy require no introduction. I would have endured umpteen curses and beatings if women possessed the X-ray superpower to look upon the filth projecting across my mental drive-in.

Gay, straight, or bi, young men enter adulthood as shameless pigs. Whether by God or biology, toxic testosterone levels compel us like rats on roadkill to drool before our hot babe ideal. In fact, men never complain about being objectified by a tasty scrumpnugget, whose unblinking stare baits inborn sexual preference.

Ironically, straight studmuffins may puff up and proclaim indignation when cruised by crunchy beefcake. But the same dudes head home half-cocked for happy endings in front of porn starring one man and two bisexual minxes. In male sexuality double standards often take the wheel, driving headlong to a singular orifice.

So how do we unlearn centuries of redonkulousaurus fear?

We won’t change the world overnight, but the global spin advocating for sexual alternatives looks unstoppable, especially as more countries ratify marriage for same sex couples. The Y’s and X’s lead the charge to link preference with chromosomes, as opposed to good and evil.

Support for gay marriage occurs along generational lines.

Support for gay marriage occurs along generational lines.

Millennials are now twice as likely to support gay marriage compared with the Silent Generation (1928 – 45). Gen X hipsters welcome the institution at a narrow 51%, while 41% of Baby Boomers (1945 – 64) have seen the light.

Once upon a time our numskulled ancestors believed the world was flat. My informal poll indicates that 99.9% of all “flatlanders” have fallen off the face of the Earth. The rest are under medical supervision or babbling in the back of your local city bus.

When it comes to ending irrational fear and prejudice aimed at gay folks, we can count on time to heal those archaic wounds, one shovelful at a time.

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Valentine’s Day: What’s Different for the Millennial Generation?

Romans (the original romantics) really knew how to handle a holiday.

Romans really knew how to handle a holiday.

Valentine’s Day exalts a couple men named Valentinus who ministered to Christians in defiance of the Roman Empire. Both community organizers met with a sticky end on February 14th during different years of the 3rd century. Their martyrdom inspired the feast of Saint Valentine, which Pope Gelasius declared a holiday in the 5th century, highjacking February 14th from centuries of pagan ritual known as Lupercalia.

Our Hallmark moments swell from Lupercalia, an ancient and gruesome gala where drunk, naked Romans (the original romantics) slew goat and dog, then whipped ecstatic women with dripping hides to grant fertility through sacrificial blood. Today love’s dawn-to-dark devotional finds honor as one of our most celebrated dates on the world calendar, second only to New Year’s Day.

This is what happens to knights when fair maids just want to be friends.

This is what happens to knights when fair maids just want to be friends.

By the 12th century, Valentine’s Day lauded courtly love, a Freudian paralysis of platonic passion whose carnal repression drove knights to lunge at one another atop chargers. Champions consummated the G-rated favor of damsels by spearing opponents with lances in a lethal game of chicken called jousting.

Around the 15th century, gentry becalmed themselves to save the date for flowers, candy, and icky-poo sonnets. But marrying outside class or family goals for natural desire brooked scorn for a dangerous revolutionary idea. Finally, the Industrial Revolution arrived in the 19th century, branding amour forever as a marketing tool for mass-produced greeting cards.

Nowadays the true meaning of February 14th remains up for grabs depending on the itch you hope to scratch. A 21st century valentine may patronize a frigid yokemate, naively declare attraction, or reign supreme as your surefire Patron Saint of Impending Climax.

Welcome to the Manti Teʻo dating culture

Twenty and thirty-somethings still rut like weasels, but digital technology guides their awkward romance. Millennials don’t talk dirty on landlines, can’t imagine mixed tapes, and likely haven’t scrawled pen across parchment in lyrical delirium to ignite a flame. They mark territory and pursue mates by planting profiles within the Ether, a binary wonderland where CPU’s and servers process limp substitutes for human contact.

Manti Te'o's "Dead" Girlfriend

Manti Te’o’s “Dead” Girlfriend

For Generation Y, true love may resemble a sly peep across mobile networks to penetrate the 4-inch display of a slightly significant other. Unsatisfied partners often begin arguments by skipping traditional primate behaviors that forewarn failing intimacy. Flagging eye contact, touching, and PDA’s have rolled over for click-through rates.

Millennials weigh multi-channel analytics to operationalize undulations in texting, sexting, linking, likes, pluses, e-cards, comments, posts, and syrupy status reports to forecast the ROI of their pair bonds. Couples, who stay abreast of digital convenience to the exclusion of cuddling or hot-blooded embrace, risk sterilized sentiment that eagerly spawns on any web-enabled device.  The moment you stroke your screen as a tool to avoid sticky relationships, you may as well be dating Lennay Kekua.

Make Valentine’s Day about good ol’ analog love

Sex is five 5% of a good relationship and 95% percent of a bad one. Anyone who’s faked an orgasm has slept on the prospect of faking true love. Millennials need more than passion to survive the long haul. Successful unions thrive on intimacy and spring from honest friendships that steel unshakable resolve to annoy beloved partners for the rest of our lives.

If you're getting your love online, you're pressing all the wrong buttons!

If you’re getting  love online, you’re pressing all the wrong buttons!

If Honeybunch and  Papa Bear can’t get smoochy on the 14th, then they should exchange holiday gestures that demand hearts and hands. Digital communication is a poor stand in for bed, blandishments and bruises. Don’t press Siri’s buttons instead of the ones on your lover.

Write, paint, draw or create personal statements that lay bare your vulnerability and fearless devotion. Years from now your better half will open a careworn box and pore wistfully over letters, poems and art. Meanwhile, a very different type of significant other will plumb your Facebook profile to scrutinize digital evidence of your forensic affections. No doubt we’ll still call them stalkers.

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