Mitt Meets A New Kind of Good Ol’ Boy

On December 12, 2011, during a campaign photo op in Manchester, New Hampshire, conservative candidate Mitt Romney visited a local diner.

Spying the military emblem on a patron’s good-old-boy cap, Mitt sat down to chat with a Vietnam veteran, and likely assumed the two men would ham it up for the cameras in a beige exchange of campaign commentary.

Expecting to field a few softballs for the cameras, Mitt wound up having to defend his views against several line drives from a gay man in a plaid flannel.

Image by DonkeyHotey via Flickr

By all appearances, Bob Garon, 63, should have presented a cozy conservative encounter.

Imagine Mitt’s surprise when Bob confronted the politician, impugning Romney’s stance  on gay marriage as “unconstitutional.”  The dialog ended quickly with a handshake as Mitt’s assistant urged immediate departure for a pending  interview with the Fox Network.

When reporters asked why Garon made such a deliberate effort to challenge Romney, the man replied, “Because I’m gay, all right? And I happen to love a man just like you probably love your wife.”

As Romney returns to New Hampshire to stump for the state primary on January 10th, he faces waning momentum, as well as vitriol from Republican rivals who claim he isn’t Conservative enough for their constituency. Representative Ron Paul‘s camp recently fired this  broadside at Romney in a radio campaign:

Romney’s record is liberal, and putting him up against Obama is a recipe for defeat,” the ad announcer says. Ironically,  Mitt’s opponents grow intolerant with the candidate’s moderate level of intolerance.

Former Senator Rick Santorum offered his own two cents regarding Romney in a recent fund raising appeal: “No more sitting on the sidelines. Now is the time to act or get stuck with a bland, boring career politician who will lose to Barack Obama.” And while Santorum rarely shares meaningful insight, he’s hit the mark with this description.

Proving Compassionate Conservatism an oxymoron, Santorum has compared homosexuality with bestiality, further promoting his image as merely “Conservative.” Rick’s greatest contribution to American culture remains the following neologism based on his surname. Popularized by openly gay sex advice columnist Dan Savage, we now know Santorum to mean the following:

“the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

Enough with politics for now. Let’s return to the issue of sexuality and see what can be done about all those pesky not-so-stereotypical gays who have somehow earned the ire of cantankerous conservatives.

In retrospect, Bob Garon’s retort to reporters regarding the love of his life sounds naive, even a little perverse, especially since I’ve chummed around with a lot of good old boys who never really loved their wives.

While indigenous throughout these United States, good old boys trace their roots deep into the antebellum frontiers of America, where intrepid pioneers tamed our wild hinterlands.

Expanding west from the original 13 colonies, brave men clawed out a hardscrabble existence, squatting on territory claimed by the British, Canadian colonists, and native nations, killing and marginalizing  Native Americans who squawked about having their homelands usurped by our redneck forefathers.

Fellow citizens learn little about tolerance to gays and lesbians as a deliberate part of our cultural consciousness, much like the forgotten War of 1812. PBS does a great job with the latter, so let’s head back to the former.

Back in the olden days of this untamed frontier, a lonely man might still find forgiveness for the act of bestiality. After all, the King James brand of Christianity taught early trailblazers that God created animals as subjects of our “dominion.” On the other hand, sex with another man might just win you a necktie party from vigilantes eager to prosecute God’s law.

Did you know that gays and lesbians walked the Earth, long before Christians invented a god to create and hate them? Really, it’s true.

The Ancient Greeks tolerated homosexuality among men who kept wives and families, as long as guy love involved pederasty with adolescent males. While Greek society maintained broad views of acceptable sexual preference, they also practiced a powerful double standard, proscribing bromances involving two adult males.

While gay and lesbian preference appear as constants throughout humanity’s recorded history, acceptance of alternate sexual choice and its physical expression ultimately remain constrained by cultural mandates.

For example, explorers traveled light to settle within the wilderness, and planned on getting  new hands for the farm by breeding their own, particularly since massacred Native Americans proved an unreliable labor force. Still, we rightly presume that about 10% of these rugged male individualists lay awake at night, pining for same-sex satisfaction, while staring at the rafters, accompanied by an exhausted mate whose snores rattled the cabin.

How they must have yearned to share the bedroll with Indian Brave beefcake, Grizzly Adams, or anyone else slightly more masculine than the sunburned woman sharing their blanket. We do  know that historically gay men have, and will continue to produce offspring primarily because of “…societal proscriptions against adult relations with the same sex.”

The traditional American family is neither.

 Gradually, as the LGBT community gains greater acceptance in American society, and coalesces as an active and influential constituency, politicians will shed their hard stance on the issue of marriage for breeders only. After all, political careers live and die by votes, or criminal convictions, rarely suffering for the want of political ideal.

Our cultural attitudes  grow in complexity and compassion  for people with alternate gender preferences, finding acceptance and tolerance through mainstream media on ABC’s Modern Family. Part of this extended family deals with Cameron and Mitchell, a married couple with an adopted Asian daughter, Lilly.

You don’t have to be Valentino Liberace to discern their portrays as a tad over the top at times. But Modern Family boasts a winning approach to contemporary comedy that brings home Emmy Awards for writing, direction, and very sympathetic characters.

Over the years I’ve enjoyed friendships with folks whose sexual identities could never breath inside conservatism’s suffocating ideal regarding family and relationships. Some of my fondest memories replay a torrid liaison with a woman whose bisexual urge lusted for the return to man flesh following the break up of a 10-year relationship with her girlfriend.

My lover didn’t  have a complex reason for this change in her sexual choice, and simply explained the switch as something she needed. My Juliet didn’t rely on epiphany to guide her behavior because she had always felt physical attraction to both men and women.

Happy to welcome her back to my team, I devoted myself to Juliet’s continued satisfaction with an enthusiastic guarantee of quality parts and service.  We both made up for lost time, wearing bruises like Purple Hearts, commemorating injuries endured through recent bloodshed. Nobody forgets an amazing lover–only the bruises fade.

I have never met another human whose gender preference centered on whim, Lucifer’s dark influence, or a masochistic desire to live as a second class citizen in the U.S.A. Conservatives love to defend their marriage for breeders only plank as  “natural,” implying that any alternative to their view must be unnatural. History, anthropology, genealogy, and a host of other ologies beg to differ.

Republican candidates don’t cite scientific studies to bolster their views on traditional marriage because they don’t have to make rational appeals to garner votes from the majority of their Christian constituencies.

We have plenty of scientific precedent linking sexual preference to physical brain structure, birth order, and other innate aspects of human evolution.

Biologists offer compelling examples within the animal kingdom indicating that “Same-sex relationships may play an important role in evolution.”  Apart from external influences such as sexual abuse, we are born with our preferences programmed into our DNA.

Even those who eschew science and look to religious mythology for answers must, by their own logic, accept alternate sexuality as manifestation of God’s Will. Once you assign God as Co-creator and Vice President in Charge of Universal Sciences, you can only conclude that GLBT sexual inclinations exist exclusively as the expression of Intelligent Design.

We can find no other conclusion for a God who builds preference into our DNA, and who has yet to make  personal DNA an expression of personal choice. You can’t pray the gay away when God already made you that way! So, if you’re dyke, queer or bi, you came that way on a subatomic level. Sorry, God’s Will. Keep the faith and stop making sense.

Come on, I dare ya to defy my logic. You can’t. Logic does not function at the foundation of irrational belief systems, and it won’t make sense here either.

By the way, has anyone seen Ms. God lately?

I have a feeling she’s gonna have a thing or two to say when guys like Rick, Newt, and Mitt show up at her pearly gates and try to bully their way past St. Peter.

If you think Mr. Yahweh has a bad temper, you better think twice about back sassin’ Ms. God.

As a universal Divinatrix, Ms. God has one helluva an imagination and will serve up something far more creative than a flood, raining frogs, or that giant BBQ her husband has planned for all us Atheists, Queers, Republicans, and blasphemers.

By the way, if by accident any of you spot me wandering Heaven’s gold streets, please have the courtesy to tempt me into mortal sin. I refuse to pack the gear necessary to sing church music for untold eons.

Before I evaporate into that great Blogoshpere  in the sky, I want my peeps to know that I’ve already penned my epitaph. I’ll post it below for their convenience. Remember, my people, this is written in stone.                                    

Don’t get all editorial on me after I decompose.  I can’t argue for my choice of final copy once I start the big dirt nap. So please offer alternate verse while I walk the Earth. Warning: I will haunt you to a horrible, violent end should you pay a fortune to insult me with stony cliche. 

I used a loose iambic tetrameter with a rhyme scheme and this just feels right. In the meantime, I want all o’ ya’ll to be good and remember who you are, and for the love of God, don’t vote Republican. 

Who dreams of everlasting nirvana?

Hell, give me a weekend in Tijuana!

Drug lords, bar fights, tequila and whoredom,

pray shield me from Heaven’s blissful boredom.

I’m Jay Nelson, and I approve of this epitaph.


6 comments on “Mitt Meets A New Kind of Good Ol’ Boy

  1. Thank you for the dedication! Makes me proud.

  2. Jay I love your way of thinking. It is always good to read articles written by real men. Compassionate and sexually secure.

    • Thanks Vivian,

      I appreciate the tall praise. Like Romney, I grew up indoctrinated by the the same brand of dogma. However, for decades I have considered myself a recovering Mormon. The mystery and wonder of our existence bring me far more spiritual satisfaction than the cultural myopia of our traditional myths and legends.

      Warmest regards,


  3. Great post Jay. Great to see stereotypes being challenged- especially when it’s a Republican expecting a good old boys smile.look forward to reading more of your posts

    • Thanks A.K. Andrew! Feel free to share some of your work as well. I’m an avid reader and an objective coach. Besides,
      anyone who likes my work must also be a fine writer and lover of the literary arts.

      Best regards,


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