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Contraception: A Terrible Waste of Gourmet Protein

When unwanted births are outlawed, only outlaws will have unwanted births.

Recently presidential also-ran and Borg Collective escapee, Mitt Romney hopped on the anti-contraception band wagon, criticizing President Obama for a proposed policy to  require most employers, along with Catholic hospitals and universities,  to include birth control in their employees’ health insurance.

“Contraception? It’s working just fine. Just leave it alone,” Romney joked when questioned by ABC debate moderator George Stephanopoulos. In fact, Romney and fellow House Republicans hope to eliminate government funding for prescription birth control.

We have got to put a stop to President Obama’s wanton attempts to obstruct unwanted pregnancy. With the world population soaring far beyond 7 billion at an exponential rate, unwanted births may become our only source of tender, delicious, gourmet protein.

By instigating effective governmental policy, we stand poised to convert unwanted pregnancy into an oxymoron through the growth of a new commodities market that guarantees lucrative dividends and unlimited stock.

How can we recognize life as precious without adding to the burden of our Welfare State?

Finally, we may boast a positive solution to the birth control controversy. Rarely do adult males ever concern themselves with such trivial issues as fertilization and gestation during the act of coitus.

However, hominids have prospered for eons in part because the male erection serves as a primal exclamation point whose singular goal demands ejaculation!

Should we ignore countless generations of anthropological hard wiring and the discriminatory patriarchal construct of male privilege? Heck no. Whether ordained by God or evolution, we act according to a process that spans millennia. By nature, the male species doesn’t deal with the logistical consequences of pregnancy.

Following copulation, men don’t stare at the cave walls in awe, contemplating the journey of their spermatozoa as it binds to the corona radiata  and reaches the zona pellucida, triggering the acrosome to burst. Typically guys just roll over, fall asleep, and awake to stark reality in about nine months.

Abortion, contraception, and unwanted pregnancy, not to mention government funding for social programs associated with these hot button issues, inspire constant debate, political diatribe, even violence. Can we possibly hope to devise a way for resolving these controversies through a single, forward-looking policy?

Who says toddler pot pie is a meal for the peasant class?

Unable to fend for themselves, earn a degree, interview for a white collar job, or pay taxes as an upright citizen, unwanted births (UB’s) represent a needless drain on the middle class. By designating UB’s as a commercial resource for gourmet protein, we can save billions of dollars wasted on social programs. Let’s dare to dream of a world in which every UB becomes a wanted birth.

With a single savory stroke, we can eliminate our government’s Socialist misappropriation of taxpayer funds. Meanwhile, fecund women will discover economic empowerment as entrepreneurial protein providers, catering to the gourmet food industry with personal inventory going to the highest bidder.

Furthermore, our government will enjoy a new, positive revenue stream, while generating new jobs by taxing, regulating, and maintaining professional standards for this elite commodity through a specialized unit of the U.S.D.A.

Meanwhile, new mothers may release themselves from the tyranny of unwanted offspring, poverty, breast feeding, and countless diaper changes by investing their tidy profit into a new 401k, along with a diversified portfolio of hard-working mutual funds. Who wouldn’t want to take advantage of this financial windfall while building the esteem that comes with new autonomy?

Life is precious, so demand a high market value.

We will no longer compare UB’s to a bottomless pit in which taxpayers dump countless billions for ridiculous government charities such as Head Start, Food Stamps, or the No Child Left Behind Act. As a matter of fact, a child’s left behind promises the flavor and delicacy of a veal rump roast.

This source of protein generally remains sweet and tender from the get go, so I would go easy on the rosemary and other pungent herbs. Naturally, there’s no such thing as too much garlic so don’t hold back on the vampire repellant.

World renown chef and diabetes poster child, Paula Deen, the Food Network’s Southern-fried Queen of Cholesterol, will serve these babies roasted, stuffed, and piping hot at Mitt’s next $5,000.00 a plate fundraiser.

Imagine gourmet proteins elevated to a true gastronomic art form.

Top Chef could promote this new source of culinary protein with a Quick Fire Challenge, tempting competitors with a $10,000 prize from Healthy Choice for best low-fat meal. Of course, having to slaughter, field dress and skin their protein would serve as grist for a Top Chef main challenge such as Restaurant Wars.

The possibilities for new dishes are endless. Personally, I’d like to try something slow roasted over peach or maple wood, then hot mopped in the final stages with a citrus/honey glaze.

Seriously, what kind of wine goes with the other other white meat? Do I choose Chardonnay and Pinot Blanc for a standard dry white meat?

Or do I concede the slightly oily quality of this flesh, and compliment it with a  sassy Beaujolais or zesty Zinfandel? We’ll let The Travel Channel answer this one, taking into account the textures and flavors particular to Africa and India.

Some closing thoughts from Mr. Swift

“I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.” – Johnathan Swift, A Modest Proposal.


One comment on “Contraception: A Terrible Waste of Gourmet Protein

  1. White House Waffles. That’s a great headline. Also a nutritious breakfast food.

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