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You Might Be a Compassionate Conservative If…

Can we actually define Compassionate Conservatism? Let’s wrap our minds around this elusive concept.

Compassionate Conservatism espouses as a bizarre concoction of good intention and celebrated self-interest. Christ‘s teachings, Calvinist predetermination and entitlement, sanctified by the Sacred Covenant of Capitalism, form the basis of this dynamic, and contradictory perspective.

Fashioned by divine inspiration from Adam’s rib, Compassionate Conservatism provides philosophical wisdom to a demographic eager to demonstrate fiscally responsible concern for others, unfettered by the financial largesse endemic to  love and charity.

Compassionless Conservatives have trained their constituency to vote for leaders who spend tax dollars recklessly to please Corporate America. Such leaders squawk about Big Government’s largesse with taxpayer cash, then proceed to deregulate corporate oversight, including the banking industry, make war, not love (unless you’re Newt), create redundant agencies like Homeland Security, and eagerly strip social programs to the bone to pay for new prisons. How do the CC’s get folks to vote against their own selfish interests choose bankrupt infrastructure over  stronger, healthier communities?

That’s a tough one. The answer has something to do with faith. I better not protest too loudly, lest I be branded a Democrat, or worse yet, a Liberal. At least I’m not a Commie Pinko Fag. That’s humor, folks, I’m all about the “Rainbow.”

Does poverty harsh your mellow? Have you fallen prey to the brutal reality of socioeconomic determinism? Stop whining and get a job, loser!

Beware, brothers and sisters, of the Holy Romney Empire’s evangelical zeal for Capitalism and the almighty dollar. Love and praise for making a buck gets a lot of airplay these days. Romney only pays 15% Federal Income Tax on his income and believes this high percentage only hinders economic growth. CC’s excel at making money, but fall into temptation when it comes to cashing in on some compassionate caring and sharing of tax dollars.

Does anybody know where we can rent a time machine? I’d like to warp the time/space continuum on a field trip back to Herod’s Temple in Jerusalem. I have a feeling that if we hang out near the exit, we’ll see a dust up whose mad scramble reveals indignant money changers, scampering to get the hell out of the way of one righteously pissed off religious celebrity.

I would love to see that ancient hippie in action; serving up the truth and hip checks with old school aplomb to grubbers who never learn that compassion and humility don’t survive on profit.

There in the melee, can you see him? I’m talking about that old dude in the robes hauling a fat sack o’ coins, sporting the big sandal print on his bum! See him?

Ain’t he the spittin’ image of Mitt’s great-great X infinity grand daddy? Holy smokes, I just figured out how Christianity and Capitalism became so entangled. I guess the devil made ’em do it.

Listen, if Romney makes it into office, I’m hopping back in that time machine to make a beeline for the Omicron Delta system. Sulu and the boys aboard USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) absolutely swear there’s an Earth-like planet out that way where wishes mysteriously do come true. Their captain (crazy bastard-goes by Kirk) insists that the United Federation of Planets steers clear of the place so it ought to be a lot more fun that this sorry ass world.

Grok this, brothers and sisters, get off your butts come November and rock the vote. Or, if you’re too cool to take action, then stay under your rock and keep your yap shut. If you don’t vote, don’t whine. Action creates change, not your apathy and whinging. Cast your vote for a leader whose relationships with regular folks extend beyond his staff.

Conservatives just love to dish out the indignation. We’ll, get ready, I’m taking some jabs of my own. What, you don’t like my tone? Then forgive me! WWJD, baby.

You might me a Compassionate Conservative if…

True believers need to drop some knowledge on this brother’s wisdom.

-You eschew violence against Family Planning medical professionals, until they return home to rest idly before the cross hairs, as an easily acquired target.

-You fervently advocate for “No Child Left Behind” since breaking up a family means tragedy, prompting you to encourage deportees to take their American born offspring with them south of the border.

-You fight for the sanctity of life, right up until it leaves the birth canal, then, baby, you better get a job, and get out of our way.

-You believe in the power of prayer within our public school system, and plan to ensure ritualized reverence remains unpolluted by Yahweh, Allah, or any other non-Christian, heathen pretender.

-You made over $360,000.00 in speaking fees alone last year, but like to say that’s “not very much” money.

-You secretly disdain Obama for the fact that he continues to consort with people who still buy their food from a grocery store.

-You believe marriage should be defined and legislated as the union between one man and one woman.

Naturally, this proposed amendment will feature an exception for serial adulterers who steadfastly pursue the covenant of open marriage while spouses recuperate from surgery.

I’m Dr. Jay Nelson, Board Certified Blogtologist, breeder, tree hugger, unabashed Liberal, White man with rhythm, devoted chum to the Rainbow, and I sure as hell approve of this extremely political message.

And to all you haters out there, I would most fervently like to admonish each and every one of y’all to suck on this! (lurid visual gesture censored in deference to propriety).



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