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Is Facebook Ruining Your Relationship? Yes, but only if you’re an idiot.

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/tfr/2782107239.html

San Diego, Jan. 3rd, 2012 – Honest to Blog, an advert bearing this header actually materialized in our local Craig’s List, begging a host of intriguing questions regarding Facebook’s usefulness as a medium for interpersonal exchange. Ok, I confess. I threw in the line about being an idiot but who would blame me?

Healthy interpersonal relationships don’t happen on Facebook.

I still can’t decide which has greater value, my personal dignity, or the $50 skins offered to participants who qualify for this Facebook intervention.

Obviously a cable show has decided that end users, who suffer from the lurid compulsion to plumb the sticky depths of social media, represent a valid source of amusement.

This cattle call for participants could herald the advent of a new 12 step program resembling Nar-Anon, but aimed at restoring eye contact, human touch, and other overt demonstrations of immediacy to digital sufferers.

Potentially, Face-Anon could boast tremendous success in returning social media addicts to healthier lifestyles, enriched once again by texting, gaming, and blogging.

For the sake of a successful campaign driven by effective analytics, positive polling, and sheer marketing zazz, I would have to rebrand this product as Face-Off.

Please join my circle – or die!

What’s that about copyright issues? Well, Sir, to that I say horse hockey and balderdash. We’re gonna make millions, baby, millions!

Let’s dial back the satire for a moment to consider some of the crazy making, double bind behaviors that flow through Facebook’s damaged frontal lobe.

“A crazy maker will constantly change the requirements for a given situation.  He/She will make you feel like you’re going crazy because the terms keep changing.”

Intimacy vs. Privacy on Facebook: Are you insane? You can’t have either one.

Facebook data-mines every kilobyte that falls into its event horizon. Everything you post, poke, comment on, friendify, link, or tag plummets into FB’s bottomless gravity well. Resistance is futile.

Tell all and become an open bookFace.

Every last molecule of your online digital persona endures spaghettification under the quantum scrutiny of Facebook’s market analysis algorithms, operationalizing  your every behavior as pure, quantitative data to drive advertising and inform innovation.

If you know someone who should not know what you know about your recent sigmoid colonoscopy, then you should know better than to sling personal Santorum in a social media forum. Edit intimate details or prepare to take your lumps.

Facebook or Texting For Personal Communication? Sorry, trick question. They both suck.

Texting works as a quick, convenient way to exchange information. However, texting cannot manifest those behaviors which gauge and reinforce immediacy in relationships. A text will never offer up that hug or pat on the bum you’ve been yearning for.

A close cousin to texting, Facebook spawns from the same repressed family of cold fish, crippled by its inability to offer the warmth and intimacy we enjoy through  direct liaison.

You aren’t the only one who violates boundaries.

We’ve all dated at least one emotionally constipated, invulnerable, sure-fire loser. Remember how good you felt once you decided to quit polishing this turd, leaving DTMFA to flush him/her into ugly memory? Why lend undeserved status to the emotional irregularity of electronic communication when you won’t stand for it in your human relationships? Bitch, please.

Tweens, teens, and grups alike, conflate texting and Facebook with healthy behavioral markers that identify and measure closeness. Now that’s just plain crazy. Electronic messages arrive through the frosty vacuum of cyberspace stripped of their humanity, emotionally challenged, and incapable of accurately sharing anything outside expository information.

Sure, texting and Facebook can talk dirty to you, thank you for last night’s zesty encounter, and tell you where to find tonight’s party. But bear in mind, digitized data will never reach out and touch you because it forever remains a heartless cybernetic blurb, unwilling and unable to treat you like a friend.

We humans operate with a very complex language system that relies heavily on nonverbal communication. We listen with our eyes. For decades social scientists have speculated that nonverbal messages comprise up to 90% of the information we share with each other, both deliberately and unconsciously.

Mom, your partner, and that future lover may care about your cyberstatus, but we don’t.

Body language broadcasts vital, realtime information through eye contact, gestures, position, hugs, kisses, including all overt physical behaviors, like that amazing breakfast in bed your partner recently served. Paralanguage applies here as well since silence and decibels, pauses, intonation, cadence and sarcasm easily speak volumes over the words they mold. You know what I mean, Mr. Smartypants?

Conclusion: Nobody can hear you scream in cyberspace.

Cyberpals aren’t the same as real, live analog friends.

As a knuckle-dragging, cave-dwelling, modern day primate, I have made deliberate efforts to evolve my communication style to accommodate the more subtle strategies of our female counterparts. We have plenty of empirical evidence pointing to dimorphic differences in brain structure correlating with a more complex emotional vocabulary innate to female homo sapiens.

Blame it on the absence of testosterone, or the extensive spidery circuitry in their temporo-limbic and prefrontal structures. But the bottom line is that women are crazy. Women know too much and process far more interpersonal information than we can possibly grasp through the clunky cognitive vocabulary that guides our feelings. You’ve been warned, boys. You can’t rely on the standard, practical approach to information exchange that we depend on to inform our mantalk.

Use Facebook like any street drug, in moderation.

Lady friends will catalog those casual insights which you release so promiscuously into the cyberplasm. They will unpack, stretch, dissect, and articulate your declarations down to the last digit. Deny nothing. You’re on file.

Women will lay bare the self-centered urge of your seething id, exposing your adolescent, Freudian predictability. But that ain’t nothin’ compared to their meticulous explication of  your emotional constipation.

If you value your sanity, don’t air out your dirty deeds in social media, and avoid texting too much personal stuff. Sure you occupy a big chunk of somebody’s heart, but you also occupy a lasting home in her/his database.

Couples who devote themselves to the practical aspects of honest exchange may improve their analog connection by casting off the delusion that electronic devices and digital media represent a viable extension of the immediacy gained through direct interpersonal communication.

Relationships survive and sustain vitality through eye contact, physical touch, intimacy and intonation, not to mention sacrifice. Wrap your clammy palm around a printed circuit board, instead of a warm hand while sharing vulnerable feelings, and you risk becoming Modern Technology’s new kind of emotional cripple. Both you and your iPhone 4S will become obsolete in a couple years, so declared by an ex-partner who seeks a real man who will sack up and speak his mind, never stooping to electronic devices or social media to do his talking for him.

Recent Articles On Our Brand of Crazy.

TV TALK SHOW: IS FACEBOOK RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Date: 2012-01-03, 11:42PM PST

Reply to: rgodshaw@billcunninghamshow.com

HIT NATIONAL TV TALK SHOW THAT SPECIALIZES IN CONFLICT RESOLUTION IS LOOKING FOR GUESTS WHOSE RELATIONSHIPS ARE ON THE ROCKS DUE TO A FACEBOOK OR ON-LINE ADDICTION!

IS YOUR SPOUSE, FIANCE, BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND ALWAYS ON-LINE OR ON FACEBOOK, AND IT’S DRIVING YOU CRAZY?

ARE YOU CONSIDERING TAKING DRASTIC MEASURES (BREAK-UP, SEPARATE, ETC.) UNLESS YOUR MATE GETS OFF-LINE NOW? IF YOU NEED A FACEBOOK OR ON-LINE INTERVENTION FOR YOUR MATE, PLEASE CONTACT US ASAP!

RESPOND ONLY IF YOU ARE AN ENERGETIC, OUTGOING, SPEAK-THE-TRUTH-TYPE PERSON!

REPLY TO THIS E-MAIL WITH YOUR NAME AND #, OR CALL US TOLL-FREE AT 855-833-7770, EXT. 2!

THIS IS FOR A TAPING IN NEW YORK CITY SOME TIME IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS — SO CONTACT US NOW!!

***ALL NON-NYC GUESTS GET FREE FLIGHT, HOTEL + MEAL MONEY***

Compensation: $50+

OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities

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2 comments on “Is Facebook Ruining Your Relationship? Yes, but only if you’re an idiot.

  1. Facebook is a cyber back fence. I checked it out but found that knowing where and what people did at the resturant didn’t fulfill my need for intelectual interaction. I notice that there is little in the way of mind blowing realizations or earth shaking revelations within the chatter. I guess people with higher needs better create a place for lost souls (maybe lost souls tube or outside the boxers unite) Right now it’s just a boring way to waste time sharing non useful information.

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