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New Proposal: Mandate the California Baby License


This cautionary message goes out to all those young couples contemplating their first baby. I hereby assert that couples should have to apply for a baby license prior to, or immediately following conception. Guns and cars are relatively easy to operate, but folks still have to obtain a license to use them legally. Why don’t we enforce this same approach with innocent babes? Little tykes would surely benefit from parents who have to demonstrate a compulsory minimum level of competence before subjecting fresh offspring to 20 years of trauma. We have to renew our CA Driver’s License at regular intervals. Why not impose a refresher course for every new pregnancy?

Hmm, on second thought, my proposal could bare tragic results as whole industries atrophy for lack of patrons and victims alike. Serial killers would fade into legend. Our police force would face early retirement, relegated to stadium security as the only place left for them to wield bossy attitudes. Domestic violence would become grist for scary tales from grandparents. Furthermore, economic ramifications would hit the Southern California region with devastating severity. Mental health practitioners would starve in their struggle to find clients suffering from hoarding, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, sexual abuse, or who simply have good reason to hate rotten family members.

Worse yet, I’d be without a son had I deferred to caution one January afternoon over 25 years ago. Finally, I probably wouldn’t exist either to whine about this important issue in the first place. Hell, I’ve just offered proof that I never inherited much common sense from my own padres, who preferred trial and heavy-handed error to Dr. Spock. Well then, just you never mind this subject ever came up. This must be why I write so much. Thanks, I feel better already.

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