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The Talking Dead

Walking Dead

The Talking Dead on AMC

Talking Dead appears on AMC following each airing of The Walking Dead, and serves as affectionate homage to brain-sucking beasties everywhere. The show features interviews with cast members, producers, writers and directors of various zombie media. Finally, zombies now receive the attention they deserve as a credible subcategory of the horror genre. Zombie flicks generally favor actors who aren’t afraid to take chances, especially since abject, pants-soiling terror takes real commitment to portray convincingly. Yes, I am absolutely rabid for this disgusting genre.

We all endured night frights from monsters under the bed, bad dreams, and scary sounds that tormented the quiet of the wee small hours. As adults we tend to forget how those visceral reactions raced our hearts, wrenched tears, and made us cry for help. We no longer lose sleep to lurking ghosts, witches, or land sharks. Still, grownups face the occasional brush with horror which very often involves another human. Imagine the last time you walked down an alley at night and saw a stranger approach from the opposite direction. Instinctively you knew to be on your guard. But this example must look pretty tame to anyone who has endured bloody violence at the hands of a fellow mortal.

Well, zombies are people too and deserve our respect as a source of mindless danger. They are soulless husks, bereft of love and longing, who see you only as a mouth-watering snack of warm entrails. Zombies inhabit our subconscious at its very roots. After the last wooly mammoth and sabre tooth tiger joined the dust, our ancestors continued to scan the horizon for the most dangerous of predators; fellow humans competing for the same resources. Knuckle-draggers survived through weapons skills, resourcefulness, and the will to fight and kill. Our collective humanity arrived as an achievement to Homo sapiens who wouldn’t hesitate to crush a skull or disembowel a rival.

Zombies inspire our most powerful instincts in fear and self-preservation. We watch horror movies to remind our civilized brains that we live in safety, no longer tethered to warnings constantly radiating from the reptilian deep of our neocortex. On the other hand, I stand ready to call upon this strength the next time that quiet, unassuming loner embarks on a senseless rampage at the office building.

Finally, I feel compelled to remind friends and family that Harold Camping has issued a terrible warning: “The great earthquake and rapture and the universe melting in fervent heat will be happening on the last day – October 21 2011.” Admittedly, nobody can say for sure how this will begin but the “End Times” could involve a zombie apocalypse. Consequently, I have worked out some contingencies and expect my peeps to participate.

Hiram’s Guns & Spirits in El Cajon should be our first stop. They used to be called Hiram’s Guns & Liquor, but the merchandise hasn’t changed. We need to focus on 12 gauge ammo, buckshot, and high-caliber hollow point rounds. We’ll have to act fast if we’re gonna loot the place before East County cleans out all the whiskey. Text me on the 21st. I’ll be ready!

DISCLAIMER: Should the world fail to end at the prophesied hour, feel free to enjoy your day off, and don’t bug me. If you’re scheduled to work, then get your ass out of bed and get back on the job. You’re not being paid to follow your dreams.


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